Unconstructive ways of handling conflicts in relationships

One of my favourite movies is Antz, which narrates life in the Antz superorganism. Zee is a worker who’s so paranoid.

In this Animated movie, Zee remarks, “A bunch of losers, mindless zombies, capitulating to an oppressive system.”Zee is so negative.

But how do we deal with these issues? Robert and Rosemary Barns, in their superb book Rock-Solid Marriage, well explain the destructive approach that many use, like:

The shooter approach: It’s not fun to live with someone who’s always using foul language. The shooter uses strong words that demean the spouse. Trust relationships are usually very hard to repair. Therefore, use words that show appreciation, honour, and valued dignity.

Married people have to build their vocabulary well. Abusive words, either intentionally or carelessly spoken, can destroy any good relationship. Thus, at all costs, we’ve got to watch our words because words can destroy a relationship at the least expected time. Marriage requires mutual respect, and respect requires that we watch our words.

The ambusher approach: The ambusher behaves as if there won’t be time to talk again. So, whenever they meet, the ambusher takes little shots at the spouse. This is not helpful, and the spouse can’t continue ducking the shots. It leads to the spouse firing back, making the conflict far worse than the actual issue that caused it.

Obviously, nagging and constant correcting doesn’t work; these are negatives that only further fuel the conflict and complicate the problem.

The guerrilla fighter approach: In this approach, the guerrilla is willing to sit down and discuss the conflict, but the tricky thing is that he keeps changing the topic. Every time progress on the conflict is about to be made, the guerrilla fighter jumps to another tree. This is very frustrating; the problem or conflict is never solved.

The actress approach: Here, the actor or actress tends to become very emotional whenever issues are discussed. It’s hard to discuss issues if discussions cause tears all the time. Imagine! The actress always thinks conflict is a source of distress; she can’t see that working out a conflict brings joy and growth.

Honestly speaking, sometimes tears can be used as a tool of manipulation. The actress thinks, “If he sees how this discussion upsets me so much, maybe he will not be so hard on me.” But this causes relationship stagnation; a couple can’t grow past the conflict wall.

The comedian approach: There’s nothing more annoying than someone being uncomfortable talking about things that count. You try to talk about something so crucial in life, and he makes it look funny by cracking a joke. He tries to laugh his way through the problem.

The above are some of the conflict-avoidance techniques done consciously or subconsciously. Conflicts shouldn’t be avoided; get rid of all the “hot air,” then sit down to sort out stuff. Don’t underestimate conflicts; use a positive approach.